Hurt

I wake up. Where am I? Is this a bad dream or reality? I can't tell them appart anymore. I feel like one of those stupid teenage films in which an adolescent wakes up inside an adult body. Today I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn't recognise myself. Where did I go? Where did V go? She was young and sweet and bashful and boasting, and clever and shy, and beautiful and proud and... It doesn't really matter anymore. She's dead. How did it happen? I can't remember. It must have been sudden. Sudden because I suddenly found myself reincarnated into this. Who is this? I don't really know. Not that there is much to know. She didn't exist as such before I inhabited her. She feels greyer. My last existence was fun. Well, it was agitated. There was plenty of everything. Well, nearly. Not that I want to idealise it, but it wasn't bad at all. This is just very different. This woman is hard to know. She goes around as though she's on some sort of mission. I just don't know what it is and why she takes so long to get round to it. I'm starting to think that she doesn't know herself either. Or maybe it's one of those things in which she has to go undercover for years and years until she can come out and accomplish her mission. Maybe she's just taking tiny steps towards enlightenment. God - I hope not! I don't want to wait until she's 80 to see some action.

It's painful seeing how V is buried. Soon there will be nothing left. She'll just be an anecdote occasionally told at parties and family reunions, somebody few people knew and not that many like to remember. Maybe she wasn't that special, but I liked her. I enjoyed being her most of the time. I admit sometimes I wanted to be more beautiful, more clever, more sociable, but proud of her I was. And just as we were starting to get along, well, she died. As I say, I can't really remember how it happened. Maybe I'm just in a state of shock and it'll come back. Maybe it was an accident that left her unconscious. Funny, because I was always told that you remember transmigration. Hmm. I do wonder. Could this be some sort of accident? Could it be that V is still walking around out there with another soul inside her? It's true we didn't always get on, but why she would want to get rid of me.... Maybe, just maybe, it was a kind of sacrifice she had to undergo in order to be happier. But no, I'm in denial. Funnily enough, this new woman I'm in seems to have known her. Not that she could know her in any real sense, not having had a soul before, but it does mean that they had people in common. Her mother I've seen, and her father. Her brother has since moved away. Maybe this is V in a different universe,a paralell universe of possibility. Did V send me here or was it an accident? It's useless to ask. I don't even know if it's another universe of possibility or not. A lot of the actors are the same, but the plot has dramatically changed. Is it a different universe or did something dramatic happen? It could even be that this woman is actually V - though she doesn't look much like her at all - and she's been in a comma for years, and has awoken to find herself and her life dramatically changed. And insider's story on that has never been made. It would make a good sell! Or maybe it's her long-lost twin sister who's finally tracked her down only to find she's dead. Anyway, it's useless to go on thinking about it. I guess I'll just have to go on living to know, living inside this woman who sometime resembles V but is not her at all.

I miss V. I think I loved her.